On Friday, I started noticing some slight pain in my stomach. I figured my Thanksgiving leftovers were sitting funny and just brushed it off. By Saturday, I was so bloated that my pants didnāt fit right. I mean, everyone gains weight after Thanksgiving, so nothing weird? I had a little pain, but I was pretty much okay. I was so bloated that I slept funny Saturday night and my back was killing me come Sunday morning. I could barely walk. I didnāt want to eat, so I stuck with safe foods that I made. I nibbled on some crackers. I hid in my house, quietly masking the pain.Ā
I didnāt ask for help.Ā
Luckily, my husband saw my pain and ignored me, taking me to an ER. And what was āa little bloatingā turned out to be a life-threatening medical condition that required a lengthy surgery to repair.Ā
If he hadnāt ignored my self-reliance, I probably wouldnāt be here to write this blog. But, this gets at a bigger issue: self-reliance in millennials.
Iām terrible - and I mean TERRIBLE - at asking for help. I canāt do it at home. I canāt do it at work. I canāt ask my friends. Iām awful at asking for help.
I find that a lot of millennials relate to this. We grew up in a time of several major disasters, with our parents figuring out how to survive through a major recession, a massive war, and constant social issues. We didnāt have people to ask for help. They wanted to raise self-reliant, capable humans. 90s and 00s kids were trained to ājust do it,ā figuring it out on their own, no matter the cost.
The issue with this mentality comes when you have a medical event. A study in 2019 found that 25% of surveyed millennials havenāt had a physical exam in over 5 years. Nearly half of respondents admitted to putting off treatment for a health issue altogether. 73% said they search for medical advice online rather than going to the doctor's office.Ā
We donāt ask for help - we get it ourselves. And this isnāt just in medical issues. Millennials have been found to be self-sufficient thanks to the invention they grew up with: the internet. With a google search, a YouTube video, or a quick TikTok spree, they can master baking, remodel a house, grow a garden, learn a new language and more. Why ask a human for help when WebMD is more reliable (and more affordable) than modern medicine?
Thanks to this self-reliance, we often are masters at our craft, but not at the āoffice politicsā that Boomers and Gen X have come to control. We place emphasis on tangible, transferable rewards because most of us have been affected by mass layoffs, have seen pensions disappear, and are dealing with technology replacing our crafts. Instead, we focus on the work skills that set us apart from other age groups. We focus on getting the job done well, no matter what it is. We focus on meeting the job description. We focus on learning our trade, even if you wonāt train us. We are determined to be self-reliant and we expect our workplaces to be self-reliant as well.
The realization hitsāthere are situations where Google can't provide the answer. Enter the struggle: asking a real human for help. So, what do we do when we canāt Google the answer?
Turns out, asking for help is a skill - and my years of Google and YouTube didnāt have the answers for this one.Ā
So, it was time that I ājust figured outā how to ask for help. I started by asking some of my friends and colleagues for advice, and Iāve compiled that advice here. Asking for help is a skill, like communication or organizing your Google Drive or using a CRM. And like any other skill, you have to practice it to get better!
Each week, I pick one thing that I feel comfortable asking for help with, and I ask a real human for help. Right now, thatās a lot easier for me - Iām forced to ask for help getting up to walk around and making food. But, when Iām not bedridden, I was doing things like asking the neighbor for a suggestion for a good restaurant. Asking someone in a store to grab something near them for me. Asking my kids to help cook dinner or complete a task. Asking a friend for help with a problem Iām working through. But - you can also practice all of these skills at work too!
Harkening back to the āfive love languages,ā try to ask for help getting each of those languages met.
I like doing these āCoffee Chatsā where I meet with different people in the organization. We get to spend time just getting to know one another and learning more about their skills and hobbies and dreams. I treat these like mini-interviews, where Iām practicing my abilities to ask questions based on their stories and Iām practice my abilities to give answers that weave in the speakerās interests as described. Theyāre mini-connection times! These are also a great way to get to know people higher up in the corporate food chain. You could approach one of them with a āHey Director X. I was reading about your progression on LinkedIn and Iām wondering if you would have a few minutes for me to ask you some questions about how youāve become so good at (insert skill they have that you want to learn more about)? Would you have 20-30 minutes for a quick coffee chat?ā If your organization has a coffee chat system, definitely sign up!
Now, Iām not saying you need to rope your work bestie into a 50-hour project or try to pawn your most hated daily task onto the new hire. Iām saying ask for help with something small - a quick question! Chat systems at work like Slack have made it very easy to send them a message with a āhey, QQā. They can respond at their leisure and you can build that connection with the teammate. Again, these donāt have to be big asks! Maybe youāre stuck on a project at work - ask an example from another department. Maybe youāre learning a new skill? Ask a colleague for their favorite resource on the topic. Ask someone to read over an email really quick - especially if you think the email might be a little hot tempered. Ask someone for how they would handle a situation. Try doing this with a different colleague each time. Bonus points if those colleagues are on different verticals!Ā
When you have a growth mindset, you learn that growth doesnāt just come from your manager. You can get great feedback from a host of different sources. When I started doing this, I would ask different colleagues to sit in on my lectures or meetings. If they were already in the meeting, I would ask them to chat with me after and get their feedback on how I communicated in the session. I used this feedback to make sure that I was on track with communicating my needs and the needs of my team. And, it strengthened the bonds with my colleagues!
Iām not saying you need to hand out your Amazon wish list - but there are a lot of physical items in your office that you do not need to purchase yourself. At work, this could be asking for more pens or ink for your printer. This could be asking about snacks in the break room. This could be locating the company swag box to get yourself a company t-shirt. If this makes you uncomfortable, start with needs - like when you run out of something or something is broken, and send your requests by email. Work your way up to asking in person!
This one can be hard in the workplace, but think about the non-intimate physical touches. High fives, fist bumps, thumbs up. If youāre struggling, ask for that hug! (Iāve never turned down a coworker who needs a hug and a shoulder to cry on.) Obviously donāt cross company guidelines, but donāt be afraid to ask someone to practice your handshake or nail your āwalk into a meetingā stride.Ā
Asking for help as a millennial is hard, but itās a necessary evil. And, as Iāve learned this last week, itās also a life-saving skill.