I ended a seven year marriage when I requested a divorce. It was a lot of sleepless nights, long walks, and therapy. I read to so many blogs, books, and articles. Listened to podcast, watched videos. It was a huge step. A scary step.
Meanwhile, I was in a hard spot in the classroom as well. I was teaching a lot of preps, working a bunch of hours, hosting clubs, and just generally trying to scrape by in a building where I did not find joy.
As I was dealing with the divorce, my therapist and I were discussing the signs I saw that led me to the decision. And, I kept slipping up and talking about things that were happening at school instead, distracted by the turmoil there. She asked me something that I'll never forget.
"Linda, when are you going to divorce your school?"
I won't lie - that knocked the wind out of my sail. I still tear up thinking about it. She was right and I knew it - all of the signs were there and I ignored them for so long.
I remember looking at my PRIDE (our homeroom) kids and telling them that - after being their PRIDE teacher for 4 years - I was leaving. I bawled. They bawled. Then to repeat that story for 12 more classes; it was a stressful two-day period and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Just like the house got emptier, seeing the bare walls of my classroom, the hollow echo of the room, the lonely footsteps as I packed my room and left.... it all took months to recover from.
There is a lot of overlap between divorcing a partner and divorcing a school, so I wanted to draw the parallels for you.
NOTE: If you are considering divorcing your school, get a second, third, 20th opinion first. Talk to friends. Talk to your work buddy. This is not a quick decision.
Somewhere, somehow, some time along the way, you learned that your professional opinion in the school where you work is not valued or appreciated. Maybe that admin blows you off all the time. Maybe you requested help with a student and Services won't see you. Maybe your department chair just tells you "well, you're a rockstar! I'm sure you'll figure it out." Maybe it's the lack of community or lack of trust. Maybe it's a building norm. In any case - this is not normal. Admins and building leaders should be servant leaders: they serve the kids. To serve the kids, they must support teachers since teachers ultimately have full control over their rooms. If you don't feel heard, or you have stopped speaking up, that's a concern.
When you DO finally speak up, rather than having a rational conversation, you find yourself in a battle. You finally got your admin to talk to you about the fact that your door won't lock. Now it's a battle because "well, your door was fine last year - what did YOU do to it?" That kid needs services and you finally got the head of Student Services to listen. Now it's "well, if it's such a big deal, why didn't you bring it to us before now?"
Ideally, concerns should be addressed in a way that prioritizes the safety and success of the students. If your concerns become a finger-pointing debacle - or they turn into actual complaints against you - that's a concern.
By the end of my time, I was spiteful. And, that unto itself was a sign that I really needed to leave.
When you get an angry parent, do you feel bad that admin has to talk to them? Or do you think they deserve it? When that kid cusses out the principal, do you wish that was you cussing out the admin team? Are you testing your limits because you know they can't lose you, so why not?
These are all passive aggressive attempts to get your team to ask you why you're acting this way. You want them to open the gates to the concerns you have - maybe then they'll take you seriously! It rarely works that way, so I find it best to avoid provoked conflict.
I'm not talking "butterflies." I'm talking scary-crying in the car; drink yourself silly when you get home; so freaked out that your fried WELL before Friday. I'm talking anxiety that hurts. Nightmares. Pain. Need to see a doctor.
A little "back to school" jitters is fine. The nervousness before a walkthrough is normal. But, if you're having physically debilitating impacts from walking through the front door, you need to stop coming. No job should ever be "bad for your health." Period.
I worked with a teacher in my first year that was gay. No one at school knew that they were gay because they were concerned that they wouldn't have a job should someone find out. I only found out after I left and we continued contact.
I've met athetists, Jews, Muslims, Pagans, and more who have hidden their views from coworkers because they don't feel safe sharing them. I know people that won't talk about hobbies, games, activities, or even the shows they like because these glimpses into their personal lives become weapons used against them.
When you're in your 'room, you should feel empowered to be your truest, most authentic self. If your self image is not safe in the building, that's a concern.
The people that reshare the school's posts and hyper up their building 24/7 worry me. If you're not an admin (or trying to be an admin), you really have no one to convince other than yourself. I guarentee you, your best friend's 2nd cousin that sees you resharing the school's new lunch schedule with your "#blessed #healthy #bestschoolEVER" comment does not care.
But - you do. And, you need to have a good long chat with yourself about why. Are you trying to put on a face for the world? Are you trying to convince yourself that you're happy? If you're doing it to put on a facade that everything is all good on this side, the only person you're fooling is yourself.
Leaving your classroom can be terrifying. You've grown used to the stability. You are accustomed to the holidays. You like having the same days off as your kids. You enjoy your students and have gotten invested in their grwoth. What if your next job doesn't let you take Spring Break? When will you see the kids if you don't have a Work Day? Who will you help grow? Will you feel fulfilled?
If you have looked at the career change path and went "yeah, it's scary. But I can do it," then you have already prepared yourself for the move that you know you need to make.
This one is the hardest for me. I think a lot of us are in teaching for the kids. I always say, "if I never dealt with a person over the age of 18, teaching would be the best job on the planet." You're in it for the kids - and your team should feel the same way.
However - if your school's admin, building support, coworkers, teammates -whatever - are not in it for the kids, then you're just going to suffer. Because you are. It's hard to work with an organization that does not align with you on values.
I recently asked some colleagues for advice on whether to go back to the classroom or stay out. And they all wanted me back. For various reasons - all very valid. But, even with that, my brain still said:
"Yeah, but."
Yeah, I miss the kids. But, I don't miss the attitudes.
Yeah, I miss doing labs, but I don't miss cleaning them up.
Yeah, I miss seeing my kids grow, but I don't miss paperwork.
When you have an argument for why you should leave, you should listen to it. It's not confusion - you're just struggling to hear the reality of your need to leave.
At some point, you stopped asking your colleagues if you should stay. Everyone knows you have one foot out the door except for you. When you stop seeking to better your situation or seek solace in your pain, you have accepted that the emotional/ spiritual/ psychological/ physical pain is expected as reality. You are resigned.
There's only three letters in that last sentence standing between you and exiting the classroom.
Every teacher who left has a moment. The straw that broke the back. The snap. The breaking point.
For some, it's one extra class on an already high load. For others, it's the loss of a child or colleague. Mine was money. I have met teachers who walked when they got hurt - physically HURT - and their school did nothing.
If you've had a moment that you cannot forgive, you should consider leaving.
When I was ready to leave the classroom, I started looking for jobs. I quit as soon as the ink dried on the offer. Once I had a plan in place and I knew that I would be financially safe, I knew that I couldn't stay. Staying would cause more harm to me and my family than good.
If you've already interviewed and gotten an offer, consider it a strong sign to take it. You wouldn't have interviewed for the position (or looked in the first place) if the position wasn't something you needed.
Yes, teaching has it's hard days. And I'm not saying that when you have a bad day, you need to pack it up. But, when's the last time you went home and you didn't cry? When's the last time you were happy at school? When's the last time that you were genuinely excited to go to work?
Can't remember? That's a concern.
Therapists aren't supposed to tell you what to do. They are supposed to guide you through your own journey. But, sometimes, they step in and break the code.
If your therapist is telling you about the dangers of working in a toxic work environment, chances are, you're in a toxic environment. They didn't just decide "man, you know what I'm gonna do today! Teach them about toxic people!" They're telling you those things hoping you will connect the dots.
Maybe they tell you about how good leaders are supposed to act. Maybe they have you look up laws on harassment. Maybe they point out that talking about teaching makes you cry.
If after all that, you don't get the picture and they say "hey, maybe you need to quit teaching." THAT'S A CONCERN!!! Listen to them!
I'm not some giant blog site. I'm a chick with a Google Site. You had to dig pretty deep into the internet to find this, and yet you still got hooked on the title. You read through everything. You got all the way here and you're still wondering if you should stay or go.
That's definitely a concern.